BMUF

Posted: May 31, 2012 in This is the Voice of Lefty Reason

This summer sees the Euro football championships played in Poland and the Ukraine. Ing-ger-land have qualified but will be low on supporter numbers as fans have been warned to stay away; especially if they are black or Asian. On the field the English team will be full of super-fit blokes with “good engines” while those pesky continentals will pack their teams with players who can kick a ball in a relatively straight line. We will also, no doubt, have the traditional “Big Man Up Front”.  Andy Carroll, pony-tailed Geordie,  is favourite to play the BMUF role, the latest in a long line of bullet headed gargantuans who, we like to think, put the fear of God up the opposition. Lance Corporal Jones’ famous battle-cry “They don’t like it up ‘em” remains a central part of our approach to international football. Carroll follows such massively thighed BMUF as Malcolm McDonald, Paul Mariner, Mark Hately, Peter Crouch and Emille Heskey; wholehearted thunderers who “put themselves about” but scored few goals. Meanwhile, in secret, the underhand continentals were developing plans for domination; coaching, the honing of basic skills, diet and lifestyle advice. Little boys in Holland would play five a side on small pitches, encouraging ball skills and passing and movement off the ball while little Brits played on full sized adult pitches with full sized goals like twenty two particularly small ants surrounding the ball. Stamina, determination and the ability to hoof the ball miles were prized above all; Bulldog Spirit would take care of the rest. We have now settled into the role of Plucky Brits; eternal underdogs competing and chasing about like madmen as the more skilful Spaniards, Germans, Dutch and French caress the ball and stroll around like gentlemen taking the evening air. Ah well, don’t suppose Luther Blissett is still plying his trade is he? Come on the Big Man Up Front, get into them…..

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